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Full text of "Roger's Profanisaurus Previously Known As Sweary Mary's Dictionary Of Filth"

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ROGER'S 


PROFANISAURUS 


First edition. 

Presented free with Viz issue 87 
December 1997 


Compiled from world-wide contributions 
received at the Viz web site 
http://www.viz.co.uk 

Edited by William H. Bollocks. 


Fulchester 


University Press 



Anus House Fulchester England 



air biscuit n. Fart; botty burp. As in 'Has somebody launched an air biscuit?' 

almond n. 1. Penis. From the rhyming slang, almond rock cock. 2. An imperial measure of semen; approximately one 
stomach full. 

anal announcement n. Fart; botty burp; trouser trumpet. 

Apache n. Sex without a condom. Riding bare back, 
apple catchers n. Generously proportioned knickers. 

aris n. Convoluted cockney rhyming slang for arse. From Aristotle - bottle - bottle and "glarse' - arse. 
arse-feta n. The cheese (qv) matured in the narrow passage leading to Cadbury Alley (qv). 
arse-grapes n. Descriptive term for haemorrhoids, 
arse-piss n. Diarrhoea; rusty water (qv); the shits. 

arseholed a. intoxicated; having consumed an excessive amount of alcohol. 

art pamphlet n. A jazz mag; one handed reading material. 

assets n. Of British tabloid journalism, a girl's breasts. 

aunt Mary n. Vagina. 

axe wound euph. Vagina. 

B.S. USabbr. Bullshit. 

baby gravy euph. Semen; smegma (qv). Also baby bullion, 
bacon bazooka euph. Penis; pork sword; the pink oboe (qv). 
bag ladies’ period n. Superlative of foul tasting, 
baibhe (bve-b) Gaelic n. A rough old slapper; a boot (qv). 
bald man in a boat euph. Vagina; hairy pie (qv). 

Ballarat Aus. n. A fully erect penis. As in 'How are you gettin' on Bruce?' 'Bleedin' marvellous Sheila. I'm nearly at 
Ballarat'. See also Lake Wendouree. 

ball buster n. Sexually aggressive female; cock chomper 

bang v. To have sex; to shag. e.g. "We were banging like a shitehouse (qv) door in the wind’, n. A sexual encounter; a 
shag. 

banjo n. On the penis, that thin ridge of skin connecting the polo neck to the bobby's helmet (qv). 
bannocks interj. Scotch equivalent of bollocks, n. Jockspeak for knackers; plums (qv). 



baps (baaah-ps) n. N. Ireland Breasts, e.g. 'Phoaar! Will yer just look at the baps on that?' 

Barclays rhym. slang A wank; five finger shuffle; hand shandy (qv). Barclays bank - wank. 
barf v. To vomit; puke; bowk. 

bargain bucket n. An over-employed and over-stretched 

barking spider n. Ringpiece; anus; chocolate starfish (qv). 

barse n. The perineum; that little bit between your balls and your arse. 

bash-the-bishop e up h. To masturbate; toss; bank with Barclays (qv). 

bazookas n. A pair of big tits; whoppers. 

bean flicker n. Lesbian. 

beard n. A woman married to a gay man in order to conceal his homosexuality. As in: 'Do you reckon that Sophie's a 
beard then, or what?" See also whiff of lavender; frock. 

bear trappers hat sim. Hairy front bottom. As in 'She had a fanny like a bear trapper's hat". Also Davy Crockets hat. 
bearded clam Aus. attr. Barry> Humphries Vagina; fanny. 

beat-the-meat euph. To avail oneself of a ham shank; perform the five-knuckle-shuffle (qv). 

beaver cleaver n. Male weapon used in axe wounds. 

bed flute n. Musical variation on the pink oboe (qv). 

beef bayonet euph. Penis; cock; pork sword; love torpedo. 

beef curtains euph. Labia. 

beetle bonnet euph. Female pubic mound, esp. shaven. From the popular VW car. 

Belgian biscuit n. A vile and non specific sex act performed by the staff of a rab-a-tug shop (qv). As in 'How much? 
Fifty quid, eh? Does that include Belgian biscuit?' 

Belisha beacon n. Flashing orange globe on a black and white pole, named after the Transport Minister in 1934. 
bell end euph. The glans of the penis; purple helmet (qv). 

bell-swagged a. To be endowed with a large bell end on a contrastingly small stem or shaft. 

bender n. 1. Drinking spree; Leo Sayer (qv). 2. A queer fella. See gender bender. 

berry n. A sexual deviant; kinky person; one who shags animals. 

biffin n. Sweat secreted in the biffin bridge (qv) area during intercourse. 

biffin bridge n. See barse. 

biffon n. That part of the female anatomy between the bottom and the vagina, which the man's balls biff on during 
intercourse. 

bikini burger n. See hairy pie. 

Billy Mill roundabout n. The climactic point of masturbation. From the A1058 Coast Road in Newcastle, e.g. 'My 
mum walked in just as I was coming up to the Billy Mill roundabout". See also vinegar strokes (qv). 



Billy Wright Famous Everton footballer, latterly rhyming slang for shite, 
bint n. Derogatory term for a silly old slapper; a bird; bit of fluff. 

biscuits n. The contents of the stomach after a heavy night's drinking. As in 'Get me a bucket, quick, I'm gonna chuck 
me biscuits'. 

blart n. Female vagina. Also collective n. Women; totty (qv). e.g. 'Golly gosh! This pub is heaving with blart’. 
bliff n. Minge; front bottom. 

bliff mag n. Pornographic magazine; jazz mag (qv); art pamphlet, 
blit n. See blart. 

blob n. Condom; rubber; rubber Johnny (qv). 

blow mud v. To noisily expel a loose stool; crop spray (qv). 

blue-veined custard chucker. Penis. Also blue veined piccolo, blue veined Havana, 
bobby's helmet n. Bell end. From the distinctive shape of the British police constable's hat. 
boff v. To fuck (qv). 

boiler n. An ugly woman one would prefer not to service. 

bollocks n. 1. Nonsense; balls, as in: 'Thats utter bollocks'. 2. Knackers; balls, as in: 'Them's massive bollocks'. 
bomb bay n. The arse; the area of one's body towards which the rear gunner (qv) is attracted, 
boner US n. An erection; stiffy. 
bonk v. To boff (qv). 

bonk-on n. Erection, as in: 'A copy of Fiesta and a box of tissues please, Mr Newsagent. I've got a right big bonk on’. 
Boris n. used by females Vagina. 

bosch v. To drill a hole between cubicles in a public lavatory for the purpose of spying on, or making your cock 
available to, your neighbour (for example, the future Bishop of Durham). 

bott v. A sex act performed by botters (qv). 

hotter (bot-aw) n. He who botts. 

Bourneville Boulevard euph. Arse; fridge tunnel. Used to denote homosexuality, as in: 'I believe he strolls down the 
Bourneville Boulevard". 

Bovril bullets n. Stools; excrement. 

bowk v. To barf; vomit; boy up; create a pavement pizza (qv). 

Bowling from the Pavilion end euph. Botting (qv). 

box of assorted creams Aus. n. A sexually promiscuous female, as in: 'Watch yourself there Bruce, that one's a right 
Box of Assorted Creams'. 

box n. 1. Vagina. As in: 'Look at that lovely little box'. 2. In cricket, a gentleman's protective device worn around the 
undercarriage (qv). As in: 'Eeeeargh! 1 wish I'd worn a box". 

breast fest n. The summer months during which women sunbathe topless. 



brim n. The skirting around the base of one's helmet (qv). 

Bristols ryhm. slang Tits. From Bristol Citys - titties. 
brown bullet-hole euph. Bumhole; barking spider (qv). 

brown hatter n. One who bowls from the Pavilion end (qv) and in so doing tarnishes his bobbies helmet (qv). 
brown sword n. See banjo, 
brown trout n. A shite. 

brown pipe engineer n. A plumber who comes in the tradesman's entrance. 

brown wings n. The honour bestowed on a man after he has completed a successful spell of bowling from the Pavilion 
end (qv). 

BSH abbr. British Standard Handful. The unit by which breasts are often measured, 
bucket fanny n. A spacious vagina. Also Tardis twat. 
buffty Scotch n. A gay man. 

build a log cabin euph. To pass an enormous, solid stool. As in: 'I wouldn't go in there mate. Someone's just built a 
log cabin'. 

bulldog eating porridge euph. The vagina in the aftermath of sex. From Shakespeare’s Henry IV. 'Lo, 1 see my ladies' 
bulldog hath been eating porridge again'. 

bullshat v. Past tense of bullshit. As in 'The liar, he bullshat me'. 

bum bandit n. A robber, outlaw or highwayman, who steals people's bottoms. 

bum chain n. A rather intimate version of the Conga danced by those on the other bus (qv). 

bum cigar n. In after dinner conversation, a stool. 'Well, if you'll excuse me 1 think I'll nip upstairs and light a bum 
cigar'. 

bunk up n. 1. Bonk; shag. As in: "Darling, you look beautiful tonight. Any chance of a bunk up?'2. Assistance 
climbing, as in: 'Shit. I'm so pissed I can't get onto the bed. Giz a bunk up will ya?" 

burp the worm See bash the bishop. 

bury a quaker euph. To release a payload from the bomb bay (qv). 

cabbage n. Girls; totty (qv). As in 'I'm looking forward to going out this evening. I hope to get some cabbage', 
cable laying euph. To excrete solid stools. As opposed to crop spraying (qv). 

Cadbury Alley n. See Bourneville Boulevard. 

camel's foot n. Of leggings and tight jeans, those folds generated in a ladies crotch when they are pulled up too 
tightly. See also Twix lips. 

can US n. Bottom. 

Captain's Pie n. 1. Hairy pie; haddock pastie (qv). 2. Of ship's catering, that pie which belongs to the captain. 

carnival knowledge n. Latin phrase meaning to have intimidate relations with. As in: "Have you had carnival 
knowledge with your wife within the last two weeks?" 



carpenter's dream euph. Sexually promiscuous woman. As in: 'Flat as a board, and easy to screw", 
carpet muncher euh. One who eats hairy pie (qv). Nothing to do with pillow biting. 

Casanova's rubber sock n. Condom; blob (qv). 

cauliflower euph. Sex. e.g. 'I fancy doing a bit of cauliflower'. From 18th C. slang for vagina, 
cavalier n. Uncircumcised penis. 

Chalfonts rhym. slang Haemorrhoids. As in: Chalfont St. Giles 

chapel hat pegs simile used describe large, erect nipples, in: 'Phoarr! She had nipples like chapel hat pegs'. Also 
pygmies cocks. 

Charlies n. 70s Tits; breasts. 

charms n. In British tabloid journalism, the breasts. 

chebs n. Tits; breasts. 

cheese See knob cheese. 

cheese ridge n. The fertile are of the penis where knob cheese (qv) is cultivated. Also banjo (qv). 
cheesey wheelbarrow n. The penis, as it might appear while being pushed by an uphill gardeners . 
chichis Mexican n. Tits; breasts. 

chocolate chimney sweep euph. He who applies his purple headed womb broom (qv) t 
dirtier duties. 

chocolate eye n. Bumhole. 

chocolate speedway also chocolate whizzway n. Bumhole poop chute. 

chocolate speedway rider n Botter (qv). 

chocolate starfish n. Se chocolate eye, speedway, etc. 

choke the chicken euph. Se bash the bishop; burp the worm. 

choozies Aus. n. Tits; breasts. 

chopper n. Penis. As in: "That Andy Cole couldn't score in a brothel with a £50 note wrapped round his chopper". 

chubblies n. A fat womans choozies (qv). 

chuck your muck euph. To drain one's spuds; ejaculate. 

chuckies n. Balls. 

chuff 1. v. To pass wind; shoot a bunny rabbit, e.g. 'Oops! Best open a window vicar. 1 believe I've just chuffed". 2. 
Vagina; ladies front bottom. 

chuff mountain EEC n. Surplus of woman guests at a party, 

Chuftie plug n. Tampon. 

chunder v. To produce a pavement pizza (qv); barf. 



chutney farmer euph. A man who rears chocolate starfish; hotter (qv). Also chutney ferret, 
chutney locker n. Rectum. 

circle jerk n. A shared round of hand shandies (qv). 
clagnuts n. Dangleberries (qv). also tagnuts. 

clam jousting n. A sexual encounter between lesbians, also Velcro fastening, 
clam smacker n. A lesbian. 

darts n. Tacky excrement, such s would cling to the lavatory owl above the water level rather than slip into the water. 

clear the custard euph. To have a long overdue wank. e.g. oooooh... I've got balls like boulders. I'd better nip upstairs 
and clear the custard”. 

clinkers Aus. n. Difficult to remove poo particles; winnits; kling-ons, 
cludgie n. Shithouse; lavatory; thunderbox. 
clusterfuck n. A regrettable situation of immense idiocy, 
coco sombrero n, Mexican variation of brown hat. 

combustoflatulation n. The highly dangerous act of flame throwing with one’s trouser trumpet, 
conkers See hairy conkers. 

Constable n. A roughly shaven minge. 
copper bolt v. A solid stool, 
corybungo n. Arse; backside. 

costume drama n. The frantic behaviour of a woman who cannot decide what to wear for a party. See also period 
drama. 

cottage v. To go house hunting on Boumeville Boulevard (qv), looking for something a bit more solid than a log cabin 
(qv). 

council gritter rhyming slang Arsehole; dirtbox. Council gritter shifter. As in: "Watch that one. 1 hear he takes it up 
the council gritter". Also Gary Glitter, 

crab ladder n. Penis. 

cranberry dip n. A special recipe for hairy pie (qv) available only during rag week (qv). 

crapper n. Lavatory, From the German inventor of the self cleaning water closet, Thomas Shitehousen. 

cream v. To ejaculate. 

crouton n. An erection; bone. 

crop spraying euph. To have diarrhoea. As opposed to cable laying (qv). For example, a doctor may enquire: 'So, 
how's your old Gary Glitter? Have you been cable laying or crop spraying? " 

cumuli nimbus n. The posh Latin term for oral sex; the stimulation of the clematis. 

cunt bubble 1 . n. An air lock up the fanny, often leading to a minge burp. 2. interj. Something Paul Whicker says 
when punching the bishop (as opposed to bashing the bishop). 



cupcake n. A small quantity of fart-gas caught in the palm of the hands and then deposited in a person's face, 
curd n. Jizz, or gism (qv). 

curl one off v. To carefully deliver a stool - curler n. A lump of excrement so delivered. Also crimp off a length naval 
slang. 

cut the cheese euph. To fart. 

dags Aus. n. Dangleberries (qv). 

dangleberries n. Winnits; excrement adhering to the hair around a badly wiped bottom, 
dick wheat US n. Male pubic hair. Also dick weed, 
diddies See diddy ride, 
diddy ride See tit wank. 

diesel dyke US n. Butch lesbian; stone; fanny nosher. 
dinner masher n. A diner who arrives on the other bus (qv). 
dirtbox n. Rectum. 

dishonourable discharge n. The shameful result of bashing the bishop (qv). 

dobber n. A semi-erect penis. 

dog n. Hound; boiler; tug boat; sea monster. 

dog's bullocks euph. Bees knees; donkey's knob. 

dog's egg n. A dog turd, often 'laid’ on the pavement. 

dog's match n. Any sexual encounter in public place, in bushes, doorways, under lamp posts etc. 
doggies n. Intercourse in the position adopted by dogs, usually near some dustbins, 
dollymop n. An amateur or inexperienced prostitute, 
donkey rigged adj. Possessing a large penis, 
draw mud from the well See follow through. 

drink from both taps euph, To be bisexual; a switch hitter (qv); AC/DC. 

drop a pebble euph. To erroneously emit a small body of faeces whilst attempting to break wind, Also follow through. 

drop out n. When a testicle protrudes from the bottom of your underpants, or in Peter Beardsley's case, football shorts. 
As opposed to flop out (qv). 

drop the kids off at the pool euph. To have a shit. 

dry bob n. Sex without male ejaculation. 

dugs n. Breasts; baps; paps. 

dunny Aus. n. Toilet. Also a popular nickname for someone called Dunn. 



dump v. To drop a log; release the poop payload, 
dunkie n. Contraceptive sheath. 

dust the duvet v. To bash the bishop, especially at bedtime. 

Dutch oven n. The area beneath the bedclothes after ones partner has just played the dawn chorus on his botty bugle. 

Eartha Kitts rhym. slang Shits; diarrhoea. Also the Brad Pitts. 

Eccles snake n. A penis with warts. 

Emmas rhyming slang Haemorrhoids. After the brainy media sex pot Emma Freud, daughter of sour faced dog food 
chef Clement. Also Nobbies (qv). 

empty the anaconda euph. To have a piss. 

fadge n. A cross between a fanny and a vagina, 
fairy hammock n. Panties, 
family jewels euph. The knackers; male genitalia, 
fanny flange n. Clitoris. 

fanny batter n. Crusty residue found on a hairy pie (qv). 

fanny magnet n. A flash car towards the driver of which totty (qv) is attracted. 

fanny rat n. 1. Penis. 2. Sexually promiscuous male. 

farmers rhym. slang Piles. From Farmer Giles. 

farting strings n. An imagined part of the body which can be damaged by over exertion through laughter, e.g. 'Hey! 
Stop it will ya, before 1 bust me farting strings'. 

feeding the ducks euph. Wanking. From the apparent similarity in hand movements, 
fetch v. To lick lemon curd out of a tea towel holder (qv). 
flnsbury bridge See barse. 

Urey surprise n. To receive a brand spanking new electric fire that you never knew about, 
firing blanks v. Post snip ejaculation, e.g. 'You can put the rib-ticklers away love, I'm firing blanks'. 
fish mitten n. Haddock pastie; lab kebab; vertical bacon sandwich (qv). 

fish supper euph. chauvinistic Carnival knowledge (qv) to which, by rights, a husband is entitled at the end of the day. 
See also get up them stairs. 

fist magnet n. Someone who deserves a punch in the face. 

fitbin interj. A brand new and extremely rude swearword invented by Sweary Mary for the purpose of annoying 
WHSmiths. 

five knuckle shuffle euph. A one-handed work out to a Cindy Crawford exercise video. 



fizzing at the bung hole euph. To denote sexual arousal in women, 
fleshy fugelhorn n. Another musical variation on the bed flute; pink oboe, 
float an air biscuit euph. To release a fart. 

floater n. 1. Scotch A turd in the pan which will not flush away. 2. Member of the crap 70s soul band, e.g. Larry. 

flop out n. When the flaccid penis protrudes through the bottom of your underpants, often whilst moving from a 
sitting to standing position. 

florins rhyming slang Shits. From the former florin coin, known as 'two bob bits'. 

fluffer n. A female employed on the set of porno movies to stimulate male actors between takes. 

fnarr fnarr! interj. A suppressed and childish exclamation of amusement at the utterance of a double entre. 

follow through v. To accidentally soil ones underpants whilst attempting to fart; to obtain russet gusset: drop a pebble 

(qv). 

French wank n. In sophisticated society, a tit wank; sausage sandwich (qv). 
fried eggs n. Small breasts. As in: 'Do you fancy that Kate Moss?' 'Naaaah! Tits like fried eggs . 
frock v. Of lavender marriages, a cosmetic husband. The lesbian's equivalent of a beard (qv). 
front bottom See fur burger. 

fuckwit n. Simpleton; one of little intelligence; bollock brain. 

fun bags n. Breasts; knockers; thruppennies (qv). 

fur burger See front bottom. 

furry bicycle stand See fish mitten. 

gammon flaps See beef curtains. Also gammon goal-posts. 

Gary Glitter rhym. slang Arse. From Gary Glitter - shitter. See also council gritter. 
gash n. Vagina. Conveniently rhymes with 'Hoy, giz a flash of your...' 
gazoo n. Arse; bum. 
gazungas n. Large breasts. 

gender bender n. Effeminate, flowery male of varying or obscure sexual orientation e.g. Mare Almond out of Soft 
Cell. 

get off at Edge Hill euph. Coitus interruptus; withdrawal before ejaculation. (Edge Hill is the last station before 
Liverpool Lime Street.) Aus. get off at Redfem. Scot. Paisley. Lond. Clapham. Newcastle Gateshead etc. 

get up them stairs The cry from a chauvinist male to his wife which indicates that he has finished eating, drinking and 
watching football on telly, and now wishes to retire to the bedroom to make an ungainly and flatulent attempt at sexual 
intercourse. 

get wood v. To achieve an erection. As in: 'Sorry love, I'm having trouble getting wood'. Also get string, 
ghost shit n. A stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it. 
gick Eire n. Shit. 



ginger beer rhym. slang Queer, 
gobble interj. A noise made by turkeys. 

gobshite n. Someone prone to uttering verbal inaccuracies; bullshitter, 
golden shower euph. A vile sex act; unfortunate mix-up in a crowded German bathroom, 
goolies n. The colloquialism for testicles least likely to offend a vicar or grandparent, 
gorblimey n. A type of trousers popular among council tenants in the 1950s. 

Greek sauna See Dutch oven. 

grin like a wanking Jap sim. To grin broadly, as a Nissan executive might do as he turned (even more) Japanese (qv) 
as he neared the vinegar strokes (qv) on his approach to the Billy Mill roundabout (qv). 

grogan n. 1. A log; turd. 2. A cute wee Scotch lassie with a twee voice. 

grow a tail v. To defecate; build a log cabin (qv). 

grub See biffin. 

grundle US n. Barse (qv). 

grunts n. The type of undesirable bints (qv) who appear in reader's wives pages. 

guard's van n. Of pulling a train (qv), the least desirable position in the queue. As in: Bagsy I'm not in the guard's van 
fellas'. 

guff v. To fart; let off. 

guff cloud n. The noxious vapour produced by guffing. 
gusset typist euph. A woman who masturbates, 
gusset nuzzler euph. Lesbian. 

haddock pastie See hairy cheque book. 

hairy cheque book See hairy cup. 

hairy cup See hairy doughnut. 

hairy doughnut See hairy goblet. 

hairy goblet See hairy lasso. 

hairy lasso See hairy pie. 

hairy pie n. A kipper; Velcro triangle. 

hairy toffee n. Dangleberries (qv); Kling-ons. 

half leapfrog v. To have sex in the doggies (qv) position. 

ham howitzer n. A military weapon descended from the pork sword (qv). 

hamburger shot n. A rear view in a pornographic magazine in which the beef curtains (qv) are visible. 



ham shank rhyming slang for a Barclays (qv). 

Hampton rhyming slang Penis. Hampton Wick - dick. Also to get your Hampton Court - an accident involving a zip. 
hand shandy n. See ham shank, 
hand solo n. A solitary hand shandy, 
hanging salad euph. Wedding tackle (qv). 

happy lamp n. Sixth gear stick. As in: 'I'm home. Think I’ll give my happy lamp a quick buff, 
happy sack euph. Scrotum; scrots; nads. 
hard on n. Wood; a bone. 

head lamps n. Bristols (qv). As in: 'Phew!. I wouldn't mind giving her head lamps a mb', 
heave a Havana polite euph. Take a dump. See also bum cigar. 

bee 1 . Thai n. Minge; hairy cheque book. 2. inter). One of several noises made by laughing gnomes, 
helmet See bobbies helmet. 

Herbie's bonnet See Beetle bonnet. 

Hershey highway US euph. See Cadbury Alley et all. 

hide the salami euph. A game for two players, one sausage and a hairy pie (qv). 

ho' abbr. Whore. A familiar name given to their charges by pimps in floppy hats, fur coats and pink Cadillacs. As in: 
'Yo! Ho', shake that ass'. 

hog's eye n. See Jap's eye. 

honey alter n. See honey pot. 

honey pot See hairy cheque book. 

hoop stretcher n. In kitchens, one who hides the salami (qv) in the tea towel holder (qv). 
horatio n. Posh Latin temi used by doctors for oral sex on a man. 
hosebag n. A woman of loose morals. She of bucket fanny (qv). 
horizontal jogging e up li. Sexual intercourse. 

hot dog n. An egg delicacy something of an acquired taste famously enjoyed by the gay cult actor Divine, v. To eat 
said morsel, freshly laid. 

Howard's Way rhyming slang Homosexual. From the shit BBC TV drama Howard's Way - gay. 

how's your father n. Sex. Usually prefixed with ahem. As in 'Fancy a quick bit of., ahem... how's your father?' 

hump v. 1 . To shag; have sex with. 2. To carry heavy amplification equipment to and from a live music venue. 

hungry arse n. The condition afflicting women in tight jeans whereby a crease in their pants appears to disappear up 
the crack of their arse. 


Irish shave n. A dump. 



Irish toothache n. An erection; bone. As in: 'Is that a gun in your pocket, or have you just got Irish toothache?' 

I say! Interj. Expression of joy upon seeing an attractive woman. Attr. Terry Thomas. 

I. R.S. abbr. Itchy Ring Syndrome. Irritating anal affliction caused by insufficient wiping of the chocolate starfish (qv), 
or inflammation of the farmers (qv). 

jack off v. To choke the chicken (qv); jerkin' the gherkin. 

jacked up adj. To be celibate whilst suffering from a venereal disease. 

jam rag n. Tampon. 

Japanese flag n. The appearance of the arsehole the morning after a vindaloo curry. As in: 'Christ almighty! I think 
I'm sitting on a Japanese flag’. 

Jap's eye n. Male urethral opening; hoes eye (qv). 

J. Arthur rhym. slang Masturbation. From J. Arthur Rank wank. For example , while watching blue movies Jonathon 
Ross might say: "Phwwoar! What I weally want wight now is a quick J. Arthur”. 

jazz mag n. A printed volume of pornographic material; a journal of gentleman's interest. 

jelly water mangoes euph. Large knockers; gazunkas. 

Jem.ima suit n. A tight fitting costume worn by fetishists with strategically positioned openings over the erogenous 
zones. 

Jenny US n. Fadge; minge. 

Jimmy Riddle rhyming slang Vicar friendly term for a piddle, 
jism n. Semen. Also gism. jittler n. Helmet cheese, 
jizz abbr. Jism v. To ejaculate. 

jizzbags n. The scrotum; John Wayne's hairy saddlebags, 
job n. A Richard (qv). 
jobby Scotch variation Job. 

jobby jouster n. A lunchbox lancer who jousts with another man’s jobs. 

Jodrell rhym. slang J. Arthur (qv). From Jodrell Bank, the Knuts ...fnarrfnarr! (civ) ... ford space research laboratory. 
Johnny See rubber Johnny. 

John Thomas n. The pet name by which Lady Chatterleys lover (on the level gardener Mellor) famously referred to 
his pink hoe. in the famous saucy book. 

jugs euph. Bosoms. As in: 'Pardon me madam, I was just admiring your lovely pair of jugs'. 

kahoonas (ka-hooo-naaaz) n. Large wobbly breasts; golden bodangers ; kermungers. 
kak n. (ka-k) Shit. From the Afrikaans keek. 

kakpipe cosmonaut n. One who prefers to dock with the rear unloading bay. 



kangaroo shagging a space, hopper sim. Sexually energetic; promiscuous. As in 'Phoarr! She goes like a kangaroo 
shagging a space hopper'. 

keech n. Crap; kak. 

keister n. kak hole; arse. 

khaki buttonhole See chocolate starfish. 

Khyber posh rhym. slang Anus. From Khyber Pass (par-ss) - arse, 
kipper n. Minge; captain's pie. 

kipper for breakfast euph. To rise early and go for a horizontal jog (qv). 

Kit-Kat shuffler euph. Masturbateress; gusset typist, 
kitten hammock n. Bra. 
kitten’s noses n. Nipples. 

kling-ons n. 1. Winnits; dangleberries; anal hangers-on. 2. One of man Star Trek aliens with 

knackers n. (na-kaz) childish Testicles. As in: 'Ooyaah! I’ve knacked me knackers!’ 

knee trembler n. Intercourse while both parties are standing up. Often in a shop doorway. 

knob cheese n. 1. Smegma. 2. Foreskin feta found underneath Kojak's roll-neck (qv) and around the banjo (qv) or 
cheese ridge. Also knob Stilton, knob yoghurt. 

Kojak's roll-neck n. Foreskin. Based on the bell end headed seventies TV detective, 
kosher dill n. Circumcised salami; Kojak minus the collar. 

lab kebab abbr. Labia kebab; fish mitten (qv); vertical bacon sandwich etc. 
labia lard See fanny batter. 

Lake Wendouree Aus. euph. Ejaculation, e.g. "Oh my God... Uuughh! I'm in Lake Wendouree!' From the lake at 
Ballarat (qv) Australia. 

langball n. A type of dangleberry (qv) which attaches itself to John Wayne's hairy saddlebags (qv). 
langer n. Penis; whanger (qv). 

lamb cannon euph. An arms development dating somewhere between the pork sword (qv) and the bacon bazooka 

(qv). 

lapper n. A musician who plays the pink oboe (qv); a hairy pie eater (qv). 
lavender See whiff of lavender. 

lay a cable euph. Build a log cabin (qv). See also cable laying, 
lead the llama to the lift shaft euph. Sexual intercourse. 

Leo Sayer rhym. slang All dayer. Bender; prolonged drinking spree; all day party, 
lepidopterist n. Person who collects butterflies e.g. Val Doonican. 



lettuce n. Female genitalia. 

lickalotopus n. Latin name for a tuppence licker (qv) of prehistoric reptilian proportions, 
lid n. Bit above the brim (qv). 
lils n. Tits. 

liquid laughter n. Puke, 
log cabin See build a log cabin, 
loon pipe n. Anus. 

loose at the hilt adj. To have diarrhoea; crop spray (qv). 
lose your mess euph. Ejaculate; to shoot ones load (qv). 
lotties n. Breasts. 

love puff euph. Gentle, lady-like fanny burp. 

love spuds euph. A root vegetable found in the shreddies (qv); knackers. 

love torpedo n. boastful Penis. As in: 'I sank her bacon battleship with my love torpedo'. Also 

love truncheon. 

lucky Pierre n. In hotting (qv),the busiest hotter in a three man bum chain (qv); the filling in a shirt lifter sandwich. 

lunch box n. In British tabloid journalism, that bulge which appears in athlete Linford Christie's shorts; a penis. 

lunchbox lancer n. archaic Medieval term for a coco shunter (qv). First used by King Arthur to describe the French 
army. He wrote: 'Fear not the French, for their knights are without heart, and their King without wisdom. But keep 
thine backs as to the wall, for amongst their number thou shalt find more than a few lunchbox lancers, I can tell you'. 

lychees n. A more exotic alternative to plums (qv). 

mackerel n. Pimp. (Unusually, a fish word not referring to the vagina). 

Madam Palm and her five sisters euph. Wanking. As in: 'I'm just off to bed with Madam Palm and her five sisters’. 
mammary dandruff n. Morning-after residue left by a pearl necklace (qv). 
manfat n. Semen. Also man's milk 

mapatasi (ma-pa-ta-zee) euph. Aus. Minge. As in: 'Show us yer mapatasi, Sheila', abbr, Map of Tasmania. From the 
similarity in shape of said island to a muff. 

map of Africa n. The unfortunate stain left on the bed sheet and often the mattress below after a sexual exchange of 
bodily fluids. 

marge n. A loose woman. From margarine - 'spreads easily' 

margold n. The ability to do 5 pop shots (qv) in two hours. To do a margold. After the US pom actor Bill Margold. 
Marmite motorway n. Anus; arsehole; back passage. 

Marmite driller euph. See brownpipe engineer. 



meat and two veg. euph. Penis and testicles; wedding tackle. 

meat market euph. Bar or club heaving with totty (qv). 

meat seeking pissile euph. Penis; love torpedo. 

milkman euph. affectionate Penis; pork sword. 

mince medallions n. See dangleberries. 

mess n. Semen; gunk; cock hockle. See also lose your mess. 

ming Scotch v. To emit a foul smell. As in: 'Christ, it's minging in here!' 

minging n. Awful. As in: 'Peter Beardsley's haircut was minging'. 

minge (minj) n. Fanny; quim. 

minge winker euph. Strip tease artist. 

minnie moo n. Minge. 

mohair knickers euph. A large minnie moo. 

monkey n. Vagina. As in: "Does the monkey want a banana?" 

Montezuma's revenge n. Diarrhoea; Tijuana cha-cha (qv). 

moss cottage n. J o h n Thomas's ideal home; minge. 

mott n. Minge; mapatasi. 

muck n. Mess (qv). As in "Shoot your muck'. 

muck spreader n. Arse; bum. 

mud n. Excrement. 

muddy funster n. Botter (qv). 

mudeye n. Arse; ringpiece; your old fashioned plastic tea towel holder. 

muff 1 . n. Minge; fanny. 2. v. To shag; have intercourse with. 3. v. To miss an easy goal scoring opportunity, e.g. 
'Andy Cole has muffed it. 

muff diver n. A footballer who misses easy goal scoring opportunities, then falls over in an attempt to win a penalty 
kick. 

muff nudge n. The light brushing of your favourite female hairdresser's waist against your elbows while she leans 
forward to cut your hair. 

mullet n. That strange haircut favoured by country and western singers and eighties footballers. 

mumblers n. Tight women's bicycle shorts through which you can 'see the lips moving but can't understand a word. 
See also Twix lips, camel's foot, hungry arse. 

mung n. A particularly ninny type of arse feta (qv). 

mustang n. Of shitty arses, that stubborn dangleberry (qv) which cannot be shaken off. 

mutton musket euph. A smaller more portable field weapon than the lamb cannon. Also mutton bayonet, mutton 
dagger. 



mutt's nuts adj. (Superlative of good) Variation of dog's bollocks. 


nads n. Testicles; plums, abbr. gonads, 
nadbag n. Nutsack; scrotum. 

navigator of the windward pass euph. Rear admiral (qv). 

Niffkin's bridge n. Female equivalent of the Biffin bridge or barse (qv). 

Nobbies rhym. slang. Piles; Emmas; bum grapes. From Nobby Stiles, combative, bald, false teethed 1966 World Cup 
winning English footballer. 

norks n. Knockers. 

norton n. Bearded clam; Beetle bonnet (qv). 

olivia n. To have sex with several filthy tramps on a piss stained mattress, all at once, 
oil the truncheon euph. To polish the bobbies helmet; collect one's own kindling; wank. 

onanism (oh-nun-ism) n. 1. Incomplete sexual intercourse. 2. A posh word what the Queen might use for wanking and 
that, 

on the other bus euph. Flomosexual; bowling from the Pavilion end (qv). 
one eyed trouser snake euph. Penis; John Thomas; pink oboe. 

Also one eyed zipper fish, one eyed pant python, one off the wrist euph. Five knuckle shuffle; handy shandy, 
open your lunchbox euph. To float an air biscuit (qv) resembling yesterday's egg sandwiches, 
owner operator euph. Wanker; one who plays with his own pork sword. 

painting the ceiling euph. Wanking; the one handed snake charming of the pant python, 
pan handle UK euph. Erect penis; wood; a bonk on. 

pant moustache n. The effect achieved when the mapatasi (qv) extends symmetrically beyond either side of the 
shreddies (qv). 

See also spiders legs. 

pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2. n. Rubbish; nonsense; arse. As in: 'You're talking pan ts!'. 
paps n. Olde Worlde Tits. 

park the fudge v. To shit; pass a stool; crimp off a length. 

particulars n. Of low budget British sex comedies involving police officers, a ladies underwear; knickers. As in: 
'FI-excuse me med'm, but I may need to take down your particulars'. (Fnarr fnarr! (qv)) 

passion flaps n. A more romantic term for an axe wound (qv). 

passion pit n. Bed. See also Dutch oven. 



Pat Cash rhym. slang. Slash; piss; siphon the python. From the Australian tennis player. 
pavement pizza n. The contents of ones stomach as they appear after barfing (qv) in the street. 

pearl necklace n. The sticky consequences of reaching the Billy Mill roundabout (qv) whilst having a sausage 
sandwich (qv). As in: 'I gave her a beautiful pearl necklace'. 

pebble dash v. To crop spray (qv) the toilet bowl with clarts (qv). 

peeling the carrot euph. Spanking the monkey. 

Percy 1 . UK n. Penis, As in: "I’m just off to point Percy at the porcelain"., 2. A small green 0-4-0 saddle tank steam 
locomotive. 

period drama n. To describe the moody and erratic behaviour of women at times of PMT. 
pie See hairy, fish, Captain's, 
pills n. Pods; knackers (qv). 

pilot of the chocolate runway See navigator of the Windward passage, 
pinch a loaf See curl one off. 

pineapple rhym. slang. Sperm; semen. From pineapple chunk spunk. 

pink Darth Vadar euph. Cock. From the Star Wars character with a bell end (qv) for a helmet, 
pink oboe euph. Penis. As in: 'Tell me madam, do you play the pink oboe?" 
pink steel n, Material used as an alternative to wood (qv). 
pink velvet sausage wallet euph. Vagina. 

pipe smoker 1 . US n. Botter (qv). 2. A person who smokes a pipe. 

pirate of men's pants euph. Swashbuckling term for your jolly Rogerer; cock; penis. 

piss flaps 1 . n. Labia; beef curtains. 2. interj. Exclamation of disappointment. As in "Oh pissflaps! I never win the 
Lottery!' piss rusty water Roger Mellie euph. To gargle and spit arse piss (qv); to crop spray. 

pitch a tent v. To get wood (qv) beneath the bed linen, or conspicuously in ones trousers. 

playing the bone-a-phone euph. Wanking; partaking of a hand shandy. 

play the pink oboe v. To perform oral sex on a man. Usually homophobic. As in: 'I didn't know Michael Barrymore 
played the pink oboe'. 

plinthe n. A large and somewhat redundant penis. 

plonker n. An actor who relies entirely on one crap put-down line and a three wheeler car to maintain an entire 
situation comedy for years and years and flicking years. 

plums n. Knackers; balls; testicles. Together with melons and large pairs, the source of much mirth in British fruit 
shops. 

plumber's toolbag euph. The furry bicycle stand (qv); mott. 

Plymouth Argyles rhym. slang Piles. From the famous Plymouth football club. 
poblyewm Welsh n. People who like quim (qv). 



pocket frog n. A fart; botty burp; anal announcement. 

pocket rocket See porridge gun. 

poe S. Africa n. Vagina. 

poe slap n. Sanitary towel. 

pogue mahone Gaelic Kiss my arse, to be sure. 

poke v. male To shag; screw; have sex with. 

polish the lighthouse v. male To masturbate in the bath. 

poo packer See Marmite driller. 

poo pipe pirate See kakpipe cosmonaut. 

poop chute n. Bumhole; arse. 

pop shot n. A scene in a pornographic movie in which a male actor is required to splash his population paste (qv) on 
camera, after being suitably prepared by the fluffer (qv). 

population paste n. Semen; baby bullets (qv). 

pork sword n. Penis; bacon bazooka; lamb cannon etc. 

porridge gun n. A tool used to distribute population paste (qv). 

portion n. A good seeing to; a shag. As in: 'I'd give her a portion, and no mistake'. 

pouch n. An ageing, saggy mott (qv) that hangs like a sporran. 

pugwash Aus. n. Blow job. 

pull a train euph. To take turns at stirring the porridge (qv); for a group of men to all have sex with the same lady 
friend. 

puma abbr. Pants Up My Arse. See hungry arse, 
puppies n. affectionate Breasts. 

purple headed womb broom euph. Penis. 

purple helmet n. Pink Darth Vader's headgear; bobbies helmet; bell end; glans. 

quack n. A short, sharp botty burp often followed by an apologetic 'Oops!'. 

quaker n. Stool. As in: 'Where is your lovely wife?’ ’Why, she has gone upstairs to bury a quaker'. 

quaz n. Wanker; bell end ringer (qv). abbr. Quasimodo. 

queef US n. Vaginal fart; front botty burp. 

quim n. A refined word for the mapatasi (qv) such as a gentleman might use at a hay clarse cocktail party. From the 
Welsh Cwm - meaning valley of pubes. 

quimle v. To eat hairy pie (qv). I was quimling her, he quimled me, etc. 



rag week n. 1. A charity event during which students raise money for good causes. 2. The time of the month when the 
no bathing flags fly. 

raisin bag n. Nut sack (qv); John Wayne's hairy saddlebags. 

rake the cage out euph. To build a log cabin; give birth to a Richard (qv). 

ram shackled euph. To be engaged in the act of hotting (qv). 

reach around n. In hotting, pouring your partner a handy shandy (qv) whilst ram shackled, 
rear admiral n. A sailor who prefers to navigate the Windward passage (qv). 

rear gunner n. In aviation terms, a gunner who shoots one of his own aircraft by firing his lamb cannon (qv) into the 
bomb bay (qv). 

rectal retort n. Fart. 

red wings n. The honour bestowed upon someone who consumes a haddock pastie (qv) during rag week (qv). 
rib cushions euph. Breasts. 

Richard n. rhym. slang. Turd. From Richard the Third, e.g. 'I've just given birth to a ten pound Richard", 
ride the great white knuckler euph. To play rhythm on ones own pink oboe. 

ride the porcelain bus euph. An involved visit to the lavatory. For example, one which encompasses pebble dashing 

(qv). 

ride the waves euph. Shagging a generously proportioned lady friend. As in ’Slap the fat - ride the waves". 

ring n. Jacksie; anus; brown eye; chocolate starfish. 

ring master n. 1. The master of ceremonies at a circus. 2. A hotter (qv). 

ring sting n. Inflammation of the ring (qv) as a result of pissing rusty water (qv) such as after visiting the Rupali 
restaurant in Newcastle and sampling the world's hottest curry. 

Roger Ramjet n. Botter. 

Ronson rhym. slang Arse. From Ronson lighter - shiter. 

root Aus v. To shag. 

rope the pony euph. To wank. 

rotoplooker (ro-to-ploo-ka) US n. Penis; chopper; whanger. 

roundhead n. A pink Darth Vadar (qv) after the surgical removal of his Kojak's roll-neck (qv); a yiddled whanger. 
round up the tadpoles euph. To wank; bash the bishop, 
rub-a-tug shop n. Down market brothel; house of ill repute, 
rubber Johnny n. A blob; contraceptive. 

Also rubber, rug munchers n. See fanny noshers. 

rump gully n. Viewed from Biffin bridge (qv), the gradually sloping valley beyond kak canyon, 
rumpy pumpy n. A polite term for sexual intercourse used by professional people, vicars etc. 



russet gusset n. Skidmarks (qv) or dangleberry (qv) smudging of the shreddies (qv). 

rusty sheriffs badge euph. Ride along Biffin bridge (qv) from John Wayne's hairy saddlebags (qv) and there it is, 
right in the middle of kak canyon. Just before rump gulley. 

rusty water See piss rusty water. 

saddle bags n. 1. Labia; piss flaps. 2. Scrotum. As in John Wayne's hairy saddlebags, 
salami slapper n. One who tolls upon their own bell end (qv); a wanker. 

salmon canyon n. The area beyond the beef curtains (qv); that boat crewed by the bald man (qv); fanny. 

sausage jockey n. Anyone who sits on a sausage and bounces up and down, homophobic Botter. 

sausage sandwich n. A juicy salami slipped between two pink baps, the end result of which is a pearl necklace (qv). 

SBD abbr. Silent but deadly. A subtle release of pungent botty gas. Also silent but violent. 

scumbag n. The ultimate term of abuse known to Garry Bushell and other tabloid journalists. 

sea monster See swamp donkey. 

serpent socket euph. That hole with which the one eyed trouser snake (qv) connects. 

shaft 1 . v. To shag; screw. 2. The penis. 3. The black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks. 

shag v. To have sex; to fuck. n. A sexual encounter; a screw. 

shagability n. A measurement of how shaggable a person is. 

shaggable n. One who has a high degree of shaggability. 

shagged out n. Exhausted; jiggered; buggered; tucked. 

shake the lettuce euph. fem. Girly expression for having a piss. 

shaking hands with the unemployed euph. A wrestling bout between Hand Solo and the pink Darth Vadar; wanking. 

shampoo the rug euph. To lose one's population paste (qv) on a mapatasi (qv). Often when getting off at Edge Hill 
(qv). 

shave a horse euph. To have a piss; take a leak. 

shed n. A large, promiscuous woman; slag. Somewhere to stick your tools. 

Sherman rhym. slang. Masturbate. Sherman tank - wank, 
shirt litter See uphill gardener. 

shit a brick 1 . interj. Exclamation of surprise. 2. euph. To be scared. See shit your pants, 
shiter (shy-tuh) n. Arse; kak cannon. That which shites. 
shite house (shvt-howss) n. Outside lavatory. 

shit faced n. Arseholed; intoxicated; drunk to excess. As in: 'I saw that Rory McGrath the other night. He was shit 
faced'. 


shit locker n. Arse; bomb bay. 



shit stabber n. Pork swordsman. 


shitter n. 1. Anus; kakpipe. 2. Lavatory. 

shit your pants v. To be scared; drop a brick; cake ones kecks. 

shoot bunnies posh euph. To fart; pass wind; blow off. 

shoot in your boot euph. To be excited. Of Jimi Hendrix, Little Richard said: 'Jimi made my big toe shoot right up in 
my boot'. 

shoot your load v. To ejaculate; lose your mess; discharge the porridge gun (qv). 
shoulder boulders n. Large breasts; gazungas. 
shreddies n. Undercrackers; keeks; underpants; trolleys. 

Sigourney Weaver r h y m. slang Beaver., Davey Crockett's hat. 

sing sweet violets euph. Airy alternative to building a log cabin (qv); to take a dump. 

siphon the python euph. Point Percy (qv) at the porcelain; have a piss. 

sixth gear n. Wanking, esp. in a parked car. 

skid marks n. Severe russet gusset (qv); pebble dashing (qv) of the undercrackers, 
slap the monkey See bash the bishop. 

skin boat n. Penis. As in: 'I'll take the old skin boat to tuna town', attr. Burgess Meredith. 

skin flick n. Art house film; blue movie; mamba matinee. 

skin flute See fleshy flugelhom, bed flute. 

skull buggery euph, Pugwash; salami sucking. 

slapper n. Slag; dirty woman. She who has been a round a bit. 

slash n. A piss; wee wee. 

slash and burn n. 1. Deforestation technique. 2. A painful symptom of venereal disease. 

slime (ss-loym) Aus v. To ejaculate; chuck ones muck. As in: 'Hev yer slimed yet Bruce?' 'Will yer shat ap Sheila, ya 
puttin’ me orf. 

sloppy seconds n. To be towards the back of a train (qv). See also stirring the porridge, 
slit n. Blit; fanny; vertical bacon sandwich. 

smoke the bald man euph. To light up a salami cigarette. Also smoke the white owl. 
snatch n. Quim; vagina, 
snatch mouse n. Tampon. 

snowball v. To blow salami cigarette smoke back into the tobacconists mouth. Sort of thing, 
soapy tit wank n. Sausage sandwich (qv) served in the bath or shower. 

sour apple quickstep euph. Suffering from diarrhoea. As in: 'Your wife is taking rather a long time in the powder 
room'. 'Yes, I'm afraid she's dancing the sour apple quickstep this evening'. See also Tijuana cha-cha. 



spadgeraus n. Vagina. 

spam alley n. The ideal venue for spam javelin (qv) throwing, 
spam javelin n. Penis. 

spam sceptre euph. Penis; pork sword (qv); cock, 
spasm chasm See spam alley. 

spend tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings euph. To pass loose stools; have diarrhoea, 
spider's legs n. Of muffs (qv), rogue pubic hairs which protrude beyond the knicker line. 

spit roast n. To be simultaneously skewered at both ends by pork swords (qv); a sausage jockey (qv) who plays a pink 
oboe (qv) whilst still in the saddle. 

splash me boots euph. To have a piss. 

split a kipper euph. male To have sex. As in 'This lady appears to like me. With luck 1 may later have the opportunity 
to split a kipper" 

sponge n. Of homosexual relationships, the submissive, feminine partner; the noshee as opposed to the nosher. 
Usually the thin one. See also stone. 

spooge US n. Semen. 

sprogdrop n. Pregnancy. As in: 'Congratulations. I hear your wife's suffering from sprogdrop'. 

spunk n. 1. slang Semen. 2. Spirit; pluck. 3. Tinder made from fungus. 4. Aus. Good looking man; dish; hunk. 

spunk dustbin See bucket fanny; box of assorted creams (qv). Also spunk bucket. 

spurt your curd euph. Spread your spunk; infect others with your pluck and spirit. 

squirts n. The condition also known as the sour apple quickstep. Also 

squatters, squits. steak drapes n. Gammon goal posts; beef curtains (qv). 

stench trench disaffectionate euph. Fanny. 

steg n. Woman resembling a ferocious, spiny, squat, prehistoric dinosaur, abbr. Stegosaurus. See also shed; swamp 
donkey. 

sticky belly flap cock n. A post wank condition suffered by bishop bashers (qv). 
stiffy n. A bone on; erection. 

Stilton muffle n. Pungent and unwashed fish mitten (qv). 

stirring the porridge euph. To have sloppy seconds; to dip into a box of assorted creams (qv). 
stoat n. Beaver; hairy clam. 

stone n. Of gay men and women, the opposite of a sponge (qv). The dominant partner, And usually no oil painting 
either. 

strain your greens euph. To have a piss. 

strangle Kojak euph. Male masturbation; peeling the carrot; stroking the wookie. See Kojaks roll-neck. 



stroke mag n. Top shelf literature; art pamphlet; gentleman's interest magazine, 
swamp donkey n. A female bereft of physical beauty; tug boat; boiler; sea monster; steg. 

switch hitter US n. Bisexual; AC/DC; one who bends both ways. Deriv. baseball - the ability to bat with both hands. 
sword swallower n. Sword as in the pork variety. 

tackle See wedding tackle, 
tackleshack n. Underpants, 
tadger n. Penis. 

tadpole yoghurt euph. A dressing to accompany a sausage sandwich (qv). 
tagnuts n. Winnits; dangleberries; mince medallions, 
tail gunner See rear gunner. 

taint n. Niffin's bridge (qv). 'Tain't arse and 'tain't fanny', 
take a Chinese singing lesson euph. Have a piss. 

taking Captain Pickard to warp speed TV baldy / cock euph. Masturbation; strangling Kojak. 
tally whacker n. jovial Penis; old man. 

Tardis fanny n. Deceptively spacious snatch (qv); bargain bucket (qv). 

tatty water (ta-tee-wa-ta) n. Spud juice; semen. Literally potato water. 

tea towel holder euph. Anus. From the 1950s plastic 'finger poke style’ kitchen accessory. 

technicolour yawn See pavement pizza. 

tenpin v. To place digits simultaneously in the tea towel holder (qv) and the fish mitten (qv). From tenpin bowling. 
thrap v. To masturbate furiously; to give it six nowt on the Right Honourable member for Underpants, 
three legged beaver euph. Homosexual, 
thruppeny bits rhym. slang Tits. abbr. thrups. 

throwing a Woodbine down Northumberland Street euph. Newcastle Unsatisfying sex with a bucket fannied (qv) 
individual. As in: 'Why man, it was like throwin' a fuckin' Woodbine doon Northumberland Street'. Also Leeds 
throwing a sausage up Briggate. 

thunder box n. archaic Lavatory; water closet. 

thunder mug n. Chamber pot. 

Tijuana cha-cha n. Diarrhoea. See sour apple quickstep, 
tiffter n. An unwanted erection. 

tit fairies n. The fictional visitors who magically transform the wife's fried eggs (qv) into TNTs (qv) during 
pregnancy. 


tit wank See soapy tit wank. 



'TNTs abbr. Two nifty tits. 

toosh n. Totty. From US tush v. meaning arse. 

tonsil hockey n. Kissing. As in: 'Fancy a game of tonsil hockey?' 

top bollocks n. Breasts. 

topless hand shandy n. A service available from rub-a-tug shops (qv) for between £5 and £25. 

toss v. 1 . To wank. 2. To flip pancakes during cooking. 

toss parlour See rub-a-tug shop. 

tosspot n. A person held in low esteem; a fuckwit. 

totty n. chauvinistic Girls; fanny. As in: 'Hey, this car's a fanny magnet (qv). Since I bought it I've had to beat off the 
totty with a shitty stick'. 

touching cloth n. The stage immediately after turtles head (qv) when the stool establishes contact with the 
undergarments. As in: 'Is there a toilet anywhere round here mate? I'm touching cloth'. 

tradesmen's entrance e up h. Back passage. . 

train See pull a train. 

trolleys n. Kecks; underpants. 

trots See squires. 

trouser cough n. Fart; botty burp. 

trouser Mauser n. A small rapid firing porridge gun (qv). 
trouser trumpet n. 1. A fart. 2. The anus, 
tubesteak n. A beef bayonet on the bone. 

tug boat n. A woman of plain appearance and a compact, muscular build; swamp donkey (qv). 
tummy truncheon n. Sixth gear stick; porridge gun; penis, 
tuna town n. Female genitalia. See also skin boat, t 
tuppence licker n. Lesbian. 

turning Japanese euph. Wanking. See also grin like a wanking Jap. 

turtle's head n. The initial protrusion of a stool though the chocolate starfish (qv); the point at which contracts are 
exchanged for the building of a log cabin (qv). See also touching cloth. 

twat n. 1. A stupid person. 2. A minge. 

two puppies fighting in a bag euph. Large, mobile and unrestrained breasts, 
two up n. Two up. 

Twix lips n. A front bottom (qv) version of hungry arse (qv). See also camels foot. 


U blocker n. A turd so big it causes a jobbie jam in the plumbing system. 



U.D.I. Unidentified drinking injury. A mysterious injury received during a bender (qv) and of which the victim has no 
recollection. 


undefuckable adj. Damaged beyond repair. 

up to your nuts in guts euph. male Aus. Engaged in sexual intercourse, 
undercarriage n. Genitalia (male or fern); wedding tackle, 
undercrackers n. Kecks; shreddies; Y fronts, 
unit n. Penis. As in: 'I slipped her my unit'. 

uphill gardener euph. He who hoes on the pink allotments; the pusher of a cheesey wheelbarrow (qv) up the kak 
canyon; a male homosexual. 


vadge n. Vagina; fish mitten. Also US vag. 

Valentines Day porridge n. Semen. 

veiny bang stick n. Penis; one eyed trouser snake. 

Velcro triangle n. Minge; mot; mapatasi. 

Also Velcro valley, vertical bacon sandwich n. That which is clearly visible in hamburger shots (qv). Also vertical 
smile, vertical taco, vinegar strokes n. male The final, climactic stages of intercourse or masturbation. As in: 'Would 
you believe it? The phone rang just as I was getting onto the vinegar strokes'. From the similar facial expressions 
achieved when sipping vinegar. 

vixen n. A wily bird; a young temptress; a foxy chick, e.g. Stevie Nicks in about 1978. 

Vixer n. A sausage eater (not euph.) who hogs all the beach beds on foreign holidays. 

vurp n. A burp which brings up a small but foul tasting quantity of stomach contents, small enough to be gulped 
straight back down again. 


walnut n. Gland up the male arse which causes immediate ejaculation when poked. 

walnut manoeuvre n. The mythical method by which good looking nurses are trained to poke your walnut (qv) in 
order to obtain a sperm sample. 

wank 1. n. Rubbish; nonsense. 'That is a load of wank'. 2. n. Masturbation. 'That was a dead good wank'. 3. v. To 
masturbate. 'I really enjoy wanking'. 

wanker n. 1. He who wanks. 2. A fellow road user; a motorist at whom one waves. As in: 'Yeah... and you too, you 
wanker". 

wankily adj. Badly; sub standard. 'He did that really wankily'. 

wank sock n. A sock used in wanking. Possibly tied to a bed post and designed to indicate when wind conditions are 
suitable for masturbation. 

wanking spanners n. Hands. 

wap-waps n. Breasts. Also dedoo-wap-waps. 

waz v. variously To piss; to puke; to wank. 



wazzed adj. To be pissed, puked or wanked, presumably. 

wear the beard v. To perform oral sex on a woman. Of lesbians, the stone (qv). As in: 'You can tell she wears the 
beard'. Not to be confused with beard (qv). 

wedding tackle n. The male genitalia. 

wedge v. To pull another's underpants up the crack of their arse. n. 

A wedgie. welly top n. A term used to describe the vagina. ’She had a fanny like a welly top'. 
whanger n. Large penis. As in: 'MY, that's a fair whanger you have in your pants', 
wheek v. Scotch. To remove shit from an aeroplane toilet. 

wheel tapping at the Bourneville factory euph. Dabbling in homosexual practices; the apprenticeship served prior to 
qualifying as a fully fledged coco shunter (qv). 

whidgey n. Eire Front bottom. 

whiff of lavender euph. Suspicion of a beard (qv) bride. As in: 'I don't know about Edward. There's a whiff of 
lavender about that marriage'. 

white mouse n. Tampon. 

Whitewater wristing euph. To pull your pud; masturbate, 
white wee wee n. Planet Skaros Dalek term for semen. 

wilinots n. Tagnuts; dangle berries. Arse fridge entwined in the kak canyon foliage which simply will not come off. 
Willy Woofter rhym. slang Poofter. 

wind jammer n. A brownpipe engineer (qv) who leaves his tool in the wind pipe. 

winky 1 . n. A baby's cock. 2. adj. Flaving a tendency to wink. 

winkybag 1 . n. A baby's scrotum. 2. n. An ugly woman who winks a lot. 

winnie n. Lesbian; she who licks the honey pot. 

winnit n. Kling-on; dangleberry (qv); brown room hangers on. 

wood n. Erectness of the cock. 'I have got wood', woody n. An erection. 

X-ray specs n. Spectacles usually available by mail order only from crappy magazines which enable the wearer to see 
through a woman's clothing. 

XXX A special video certificate awarded to pornographic films of exceptionally poor sound and picture quality. 

xylophone v. To move along a line of naked women who are all bending down, and spank their bottoms - which are of 
varying sizes - with ones penis; to play a tune on womens buttocks. From the Greek xylo meaning wood (qv) and 
phonnicus meaning to hit tunefully. 

yabba dabbas n. The climactic stages of intercourse; vinegar strokes (qv). 

yak n. 1. A large, hairy animal of untidy appearance. 2. Feminist's beaver (qv); minge with a pant moustache (qv). 



Y bone steak n. The female opposite of a tube steak (qv). 

yongles US n. Testicles. 

yank the plank euph. To spank your plank. 

yarbles n. Testicles, attr. A Clockwork Orange. 

zeps abbr. Zeppelins euph. Large breasts. Also Hindenburgs. 

zig-a-zig ahhhh! onomatopoeia To have a bloody good wank while watching a Spice Girls video. 
Zinzanbrook (zin-zan-bruk) NZ 
rhym. slang Fuck; have sex. 

zipperfish n. Penis; trouser trout; underpant eel, etc. 

zorba v. To have sex with a native whilst on holiday in Greece. As in: 'Did you zorba?' 
zuffic v. To wipe one's cock on the curtains after having sex in a posh bird's house. 


The publisher requires 


RUDE WORDS 



for a future edition 


of this book. 


Examples of gutter language, popular and contemporary 
street jargon, lavatorial turns of phrase and amusing 
profanities will be gratefully received at the following 
address. A brief definition would be appreciated. 
Please write to: 


Ribena de Farquar-Toss 
Senior Researcher 
Roger's Profanisaurus 
Viz, P. 0. Box 1PT, 
Newcastle upon Tyne 
NE99 1PT 


Fax: (0191) 281 9048 


E-mail: wcb (lu j o h n brown, co. nk 


You will find a pro-active on-line 
blue-chip updated version of this 


book on the Viz website at: 



http://www.viz.co.uk 



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